Final Fantasy Farts: Kuja's Sunday
by Videad
Summary: A blessing in the form of a songfic staring Kuja...


Final Fantasy Farts FF7, 8, & 9  
  
"Spring Time for Kuja"  
  
Kuja: Ahh, Spring...do you know what I love to do during the Spring, Yuffie?  
  
Yuffie: *disgruntled* Molest children?  
  
Kuja: Really? Hot damn! Uh, *cough* I mean...I spend my time walking in the park.  
  
Yuffie: Oh really?  
  
Kuja: Yes, my dear! Why, in fact, it is during days like this one when I...poison the pigeons in the park.  
  
Yuffie: You what?  
  
Kuja: Watch, and learn my dear.  
  
(Music begins to play as Zorn and Thorn prance out with various poisons.)  
  
Yuffie: Oh, Chaos, no...  
  
(Kuja gets up and suddenly the white background becomes a beautiful park.)  
  
Kuja: Spring is here, Spa-ring is here. Life is Skittles, and life is beer! I think the loveliest time of the year is the Spring! I do! Don't you? Of course you do!  
  
(Yuffie begins to hit herself over the head with a wooden board.)  
  
(Kuja wanders over to where Cloud is trying to score with Tifa on a park bench.)  
  
Kuja: But there's one thing that makes Spring complete for me...and makes every Sunday a treat for me...  
  
Tifa: Cloud? What's he doing?  
  
Cloud: I think he's one of those perverts that likes to watch people do it...  
  
Kuja: All the world seems in tune on a Spring afternoon when we're poisoning pigeons in the park!  
  
Cloud + Tifa: WHAT?!!  
  
(Kuja begins to scatter bird seed all over the ground in front of Cloud and Tifa, as birds drop dead right in front of them.)  
  
Kuja: Every Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison the pigeons in the park!  
  
(Kuja pulls Eiko out of nowhere and hands her a bag of poisoned peanuts.)  
  
Eiko: WAAAAAAAH!!! HELP ME ZIDANE, IT TOUCHED ME!!! *runs away*  
  
Kuja: When they see us coming, the birdies all try to hide...but they still go for peanuts, when coated with cyonide!  
  
Tifa: Groooosss!  
  
Cloud: Ewww, let's get away from this sicko Tifa! Let's try it under Cid's airship...  
  
Tifa: Good idea. *they flee*  
  
Kuja: The sun's shining bright, everything seems alright, when we're poisoning pigeons in the park!  
  
(Quistis walks by with a chocobo on a leash.)  
  
Quistis: Eww...why are there dead pigeons everywhere?  
  
(Kuja begins to rub up to her.)  
  
Kuja: We've gained notoriety, and caused much anxiety, in the auto bond society with our games!  
  
Quistis: WHAT THE HELL?!!  
  
Kuja: They call it impiety and lack of propiety and quite a variety of unpleasant names!  
  
Quistis: *Fuujin like* OFF!! *uses whip*  
  
(Kuja not only likes it, but begins to hug her leg. Quistis frantically tries to pull him off before he tries anything wrong.)  
  
Kuja: But it's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon!  
  
(Quistis manges to smack him off.)  
  
Quistis: YOU DISGUSTING THING, DIE!! *zaps with laser*  
  
*EXPLOSION!*  
  
Kuja: Owww.....  
  
Quistis: Gross, gross....*runs off with chocobo not far behind*  
  
Kuja: Soooo, iiiif, Sunday you're free why don't you come with me and we'll poison the pigeons in the park!  
  
(Aeris begins to bury the pigeons.)  
  
Aeris: May the Cetra guide you....  
  
Selphie: Aren't you dead?  
  
Aeris: Poof! *vanishes*  
  
Selphie: ....... well THAT was different.  
  
Kuja: And maybe we'll do -  
  
Selphie: AAAHH!!! GROOOSS!!! *runs away*  
  
Kuja: - in a squirrel or two, while we're poisoning pigeons in the park!  
  
(Kuja puts a squirrel corpse inbetween two bread pieces and takes a bite.)  
  
Rinoa: Squall, I just decided. Now is not a nice time to have a picnic.  
  
Squall: That's what I was thinking to. Let's go eat in the cafeteria.  
  
Rinoa: Yep, good idea! *they flee, as well*  
  
Kuja: We'll murder them all and in laughter and merriment...  
  
Zell: Doot doot doot, jogging, jogging, doot doot...  
  
Kuja: ...except for the few we take home to experiment!  
  
(Kuja throw pigeon guts at Zell.)  
  
Zell: OH MY GOD!!!  
  
Freya (who happens to be near by): My, what a nice day to dance! Nothing can ruin THIS wonderful day! NOTHING!  
  
Zell: ...ew ew ew ew EW EW EW EW EW!!! EW!!! EW!!! GET IT OFFFFFF!!!  
  
Freya: AAAAAAAAAAH!!!! *runs for dear life*  
  
Kuja: My pulse will be quicken'n with each drop of strichnine we feed to a pigeon, it just takes a smidgeon, to poison a pigeon in the paaaark!  
  
Yuffie: .............. -unconcious  
  
Kuja: Well? What do you think?  
  
Yuffie: ......  
  
Kuja: I love you to, Yuffie. Let's go home!  
  
(Kuja picks Yuffie up and carries her into the sunset.)  
  
THE END  
  
Red XIII: Wait...that's it? What WAS that?!  
  
Vincent: It wasn't angsty, I'll give you that....  
  
Note: Probably didn't get some of the lyrics right. Sorry. Hee hee. This fic was inspired by a writer (whom his name escapes me now) who did a Slayers fic using this song. It stared Xelloss and he also made one of the Masochism Tango. If you are the writer, then thankies! 


End file.
